Light Bulb Jokes

So I was surfing the fat atheist blog and came across this post. I LOL'd while reading and thought why not modify and add some more into the collection. Enjoy!

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just pray for light.


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How many muslims does it take to change the light bulb?

None. They sit in the dark and blame it on Jews.


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How many jews does it take to change the light bulb?

Sexy virgins for muslims

Oh Mo, bribing your horny followers with promises of poon, eh?

LOL I love how Muslim culture is obsessed with modesty even though Mo used some pretty pornographic language to tempt his followers to do his bidding. Here are just some descriptions of the hoor al-ayn:

PERKY BOOBIES, YAY!

A houri is a girl of tender age, having large breasts which are round (pointed), and not inclined

At-Tirmizi, Volume Two

NO "WIZARD SLEEVE" VAG FOR YOU MY FRIEND... ONLY THE BEST! (psst...Viagra pills included!!!!)

Every one of them will have a pleasant vagina and he (the man) will have sexual organ that does not bend down during sexual intercourse (perpetual erection).

Imam Ghazzali: Ihya Uloom Ed-Din, Vol. 4

lol WHAT IS THIS OBSESSION THAT MO HAD WITH UNBROKEN HYMENS?

Wherein both will be those (maidens) restraining their glances upon their husbands, whom no man or jinn yatmithhunna (has opened their hymens with sexual intercourse) before them.

Qur'an 55:56- Muhsin Khan

DAT BONE MARROW!

...everyone will have two wives from the houris, (who will be so beautiful, pure and transparent that) the marrow of the bones oftheir legs will be seen through the bones and the flesh.

Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 476

JANNAH IS A BIG BROTHEL

Allah's Apostle said, "In Paradise there is a pavilion made of a single hollow pearl sixty miles wide, in each corner of which there are wives who will not see those in the other corners; and the believers will visit and enjoy them....

Sahih Bukhari Volume 6, Book 60, Number 402

lol as they say, "sex sells" :D

source: http://redd.it/plqm1

Check out the 72 virgins !!

Green Mujahideen Birds!

Sahih (authentic) Muslim, book 20, Number 4651:

It has been narrated on the authority of Masruq Who said:

We asked 'Abdullah about the Qur'anic verse: "Think not of those who are slain in Allah's way as dead. Nay, they are alive, finding their sustenance in the presence of their Lord." (iii. 169).

He said: We asked the meaning of the verse (from the Holy Prophet) who said:

The souls, of the martyrs live in the bodies of green birds who have their nests in chandeliers hung from the throne of the Almighty. They eat the fruits of Paradise from wherever they like and then nestle in these chandeliers.

Once their Lord cast a glance at them and said: Do ye want anything? They said: What more shall we desire? We eat the fruit of Paradise from wherever we like. Their Lord asked them the same question thrice. When they saw that they will continue to be asked and not left (without answering the question). they said: O Lord, we wish that Thou mayest return our souls to our bodies so that we may be slain in Thy way once again.

When He (Allah) saw that they had no need, they were left (to their joy in heaven).

Oh wow! You get to be a mujahideen bird! (a green one that is)...it's the dream of everyone...what more can you ask for?

...I have a feeling that something important is missing...Huh! No 72 virgins for them? Looks like their bird brain won't be able to figure it out anytime soon.

50 reasons to reject Evolution

On the left...Chimpanzee, on the right...Human.

One of them was made in an extra-dimension seperately by a supernatural eternal being that demands worship.

The other one — is just an animal.

"50 Reasons I Reject Evolution" written by Bobbie-the-Jean is a funny read which goes on to show how stupid the evolution deniars are.

It seems like those who reject evolution...need it the most.

Islamic captain obvious

Muhammad the messenger of the creator god, using his divine knowledge, stating the obvious.

Al-Tirmidhi, Narrated AbuHurayrah: While Allah's Prophet (peace be upon him) and his companions were sitting clouds came over them and Allah's Prophet (peace be upon him) asked, "Do you know what these are?" On their replying that Allah and His Messenger knew best, he said, "These are the clouds (anan), these are the water-carriers of the Earth, which Allah drives to people who do not thank Him or call upon him."

Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 72, Number 746: Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "None of you should walk, wearing one shoe only; he should either put on both shoes or put on no shoes whatsoever."

Abu Dawud, Book 41, Number 4802: Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: I heard the Apostle of Allah (peace_be_ upon_him) as saying: The best places to sit are those which provide most room.

How to make a human being

Lets get cooking by Allah

How to make a Human Being

• One cup of earth

• 2 tbsp dry clay

• 3cups nothing

• 1.5 cups of not from nothing

• 1tsp wet earth

• 3tbsp mire

• 100ml water

• 1tbsp dust

• 0.5 dead human

• And magic words "Kun Fayakun"

Source: we are created from earth (Quran 11:61), sometimes from dry clay (Quran 15:26,28,33, 17:61 & 32:7), sometimes from nothing (Quran 19:67), sometimes not from nothing (Quran 52:35), sometimes from wet earth (Quran 23:12), or from mire (Quran 38:71), sometimes from water (Quran 25:54, 21:30 & 24:45), sometimes from dust (Quran 3:59, 30:20 & 35:11) or even sometimes from the dead (Quran 30:19 & 39:6)

Moses and the gay stone

Can any sane person believe the amount of bullshit one can find in the supposed "sahih" Bukhari? This one is probably the funniest and dumbest one that I have ever heard. Taken from Sahih Bukhari, book 5, Hadith 277.

Narrated Abu Huraira, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said,

People of Banu Isra'il used to take a bath naked, and they looked at the private parts of one another.

Prophet Moses (peace be upon him), however, took a bath alone (in privacy) and they said (tauntingly)

By Allah, nothing prohibits Moses to take a bath along with us, but sacrotal hernia.

He (Moses) once went for a bath and placed his clothes on a stone and the stone run away with his clothes. Moses ran after it saying:

O stone, my clothes!
O stone, my clothes!

People of Banu Isra'il had the chance to see the private parts of Moses, and they said:

By Allah! Moses does not suffer from any ailment.

The stone then stopped, till Moses had been seen by them, and he then took hold of his clothes and started to beat the stone.

Abu Huraira said:

By Allah, there are the marks of six or seven strokes made by Moses on the stone!

The stone not only could steal cloths and run like hell but also sounds like it was a homosexual stone which had special feelings for Moses. Oh well, they should have stoned the stone to death, just sayin.

The Pope and the Moulana

A nice joke I found on internet. ENJOY!

Many many years ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He declared that a religious debate will be held with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslim leader won, muslims could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, the Muslims will either convert or leave. The Muslims met and picked an aged and wise Moulana to represent them in the debate. However, as the Moulana spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent (signs)" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and the Moulana sat opposite each other.

The A - Team

I remember my childhood days, day dreaming myself as the saviour of the day after i had just finished watching an episode of The A Team. Well, i eventually got over it. But there is something new about this particular A team that's just too good to remain unnoticed.